Thursday, 5 November 2009

As it's bonfire night

Thought I'd give you a quick list of people that I wouldn't piss on if they caught fire.

Kerry Katona
Patrick Kielty
Alan Hansen
Gok Wan
Gillian McKeith
Gordon Brown
Callum Best
Peaches Geldof
Paris Hilton
Robbie Williams

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Rude drawings?

Get in early...


Wigs for cats are the latest accessories that could become a must-have for any discerning pet owner.

Known as 'Kitty Wigs' the multi-coloured hair pieces could become a hit with cat owners across Britain.

A book published this month features scores of pictures featuring cats modelling the feline fashion, including Chicken, Boone and Skittles.

Owner and author Julie Jackson said she first began working on the project two years ago after she decided the 'world needed wigs for cats'.

The cats seem to be lapping up the attention as they pose in a variety of the striking wigs.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Just drink the fucking stuff!!...

Beer lovers are being given the chance to take the plunge in a health spa pool - filled with 42,000 pints of lager.

Spa bosses in Starkenberg, Austria, claim that beer can treat skin conditions, blood circulation and can even help cure wounds.

The spa - part of a local brewery - contains seven 13ft long pools filled with beer which you can even ask to be served chilled or heated.

Bathers can try drinking the bathwater but head barman Markus Amann, 23, said: "I'd rather swim than swallow, as we have enough cold beer on tap at the bars next to the pools.

"These pools really can help some health problems - but if they don't work for you, you'll probably have drunk enough not to care about it any more," he added.

Beer bath bosses at nearby Schrammel reckon warm beer is the best for health cures and bathers sit in cut down lager barrels.

Giant breasts shock China

Parents and teachers in China are protesting after a sculpture of a tiny girl with giant breasts was installed in a city park.

The sculpture depicts a 20cm tall girl with breasts that are five metres high and wide, reports News Express.

Parents have protested at the installation in Foshan City, Guangdong province, which they say is highly embarrassing.

One local mum, called Liang, complained: "The park used to be a great place for families, but now what attracts my son the most is the huge breasts.

"I have tried to educate him with some scientific knowledge, but all he thinks when he sees the statue are smutty thoughts."

And a kindergarten teacher, who brought her class to visit the park, says it shocked some of them to tears.

"The little girls were scared and cried loudly, asking me if they would grow those huge things, and boys laughed crazily," she said.

A park spokesman said the statue was intended as a permanent fixture in the park but admitted it had been repeatedly damaged - with one person even trying to fit it with a giant bra.

"It's normal to have disagreements about art, we can understand it," said the spokesman.

Dont remember it being that good really...

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Monday, 26 October 2009

How to tell...

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.

'The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'

Seems about right

Ah Bollocks!

Something very wrong here

If your daughter brought it home you'd kill it.... No 1

You know it's 2009 when....

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every advert on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Wank Facts

In the1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the ruleOf thumb'.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'GentlemenOnly...Ladies Forbidden'.. and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green..

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.